It’s been a little while since I have written. I apologize. Sometimes it seems there are so many thoughts running through my head that I can’t seem to organize them enough to sit down and write. And sometimes, I’m in the midst of all the facets of life I previously wrote about that I can’t seem to find the time to write.
When I wrote about the many facets of my life I was so focused on examining each facet and calling it a blessing that I feel I failed to really convey what God had really been speaking to my heart. I feel the need to truly reveal my heart. Some of you following me may find this surprising.
I examined the many facets of my life and it seems that there are really too many angles in some areas. There’s no way I can be reflecting light from all the angles. What became abundantly clear to me on the beach this summer was my need to truly examine what I have going on in my life. It is time for some prioritization. While this should be easy, I have a couple of issues with arranging priorities. And, recently, I realized why prioritizing is such a major task for me. I have also recently realized that while what I have been doing may have been working and even considered productive, it may not be the best for everyone concerned.
Realization #1: God is not glorified or honored by busyness or productivity. Yes, I want to put God first, but what does that really mean? Putting God first does not mean finding every ministry opportunity in my world in which to serve. It does not mean giving endless monetary donations. It also doesn’t mean spending all my time, effort, and energy working in ministry. Putting God first means spending quiet, intimate time talking to God and listening to God. It means learning the character of Jesus so deeply that I reflect it in the way I walk and talk. Being so busy ‘working’ in ministry leaves little time to actually continue developing a relationship with God. And, let’s face it; all relationships take time and effort if they are to continue to grow. Shouldn’t my relationship with God be the first one I spend time and effort on? Confession: I have been missing this very important element.
But why? Well…truth time…my internal need for control and approval has blinded me. Thank you, Lord, for opening my eyes. It took quiet time on the beach for me to hear what He was saying to me. So the solution is making this time priority number one. With placing this at the top of the list, I will be better in every role in which I engage. I am a work in progress.
Realization #2: My family has been paying a hefty price for my hyper-focused blindness. Oxymoron, right? Yes! I admit it. I have been so focused on being busy and productive that I lost sight of the most important people right in front of me. The things I have busied myself with have all been good things, but now I see they have not been the best things. They were even important things, but they were not the most important things. God has shown me through some pretty traumatic situations that I have not allowed light to be reflected in my own home the way it should. That is so hard to say and even harder to hear from the ones you love the most. However, there is no arguing that the price of my busyness has been way too high for all of us. Again, I was just hyper-focused on the stuff I felt needed to be taken care of right away while the really crucial goods were placed on the back burner. Not cool! I’m embarrassed to say that I feel I have failed my family. So, things are a bit different now that my eyes are opened. I’m spending time with my family without interruption. And, honestly, I feel better about it and our relationships to one another have taken a healthier turn. It is grace and mercy on display, in my opinion.
Realization #3: I have taken on more than I should and left little room for my growth or the growth of those working alongside me. If another opportunity to serve were to come up, I would have to decline because I just can’t take on one more assignment without breaking. Who knows?!?! That next assignment could be my next growth opportunity, and I will have missed it because… Why? Because I have myself involved in too much already. Adversely, the thought has crossed my mind that perhaps my over-involvement could be preventing another person’s opportunity to grow. I have certain gifts, talents, and skills. However, I’m not the only one with these. Others may want or need the opportunity to present their gifts, talents and skills as well. We all have a place, and we all have a time. It’s clearly time to assess who is around me and what I have in my life that could be a great opportunity for someone else.
Realization #4: Our place in time, the space we fill, the seasons of life…they are ever-changing. Where I find myself today is not necessarily where I should remain. And, I feel most certain, that once the space and time I fill becomes comfortable, then it’s probably time for some stretching. Stretching can hurt. Furthermore, change is scary. I don’t think change ‘can be’ scary. I think it IS scary, especially if I have become comfortable. At some point, passion becomes performance when we become comfortable. God doesn’t want my performance. He wants my passion. Sooo…it’s time for a heart and soul evaluation. What passion has God placed in my heart? What does the Spirit ignite in me? What makes my heart and soul cry out? Beyond my insecurities and fears is a calling. My calling is not a projected expectation from others. My calling is something burning inside me. It is something placed in my heart by the Holy Spirit.
On the beach this summer, God stirred around in my heart and in my mind. When I tried to push those stirrings aside for ‘another time’, He gave me tangible situations to get my attention (immediately). I haven’t worked through it all, but I know that change is inevitable. I am trusting that the Lord will put the right people in my path to allow me to go where I am supposed to go and to do what I am supposed to do. I am only a girl with limited potential until my Lord gets involved. I completely trust that He provides a clear path or at least a clear view of the next step.
Join me on the journey. We’re all on this journey to be what we are meant to be in this world. I gladly accept your prayers and will be praying that each of you can dig deep into your heart to find your place in the space and time you currently exist. Now is my time to be all I can be in the Lord. Now is your time to be all you can be in the Lord!
“A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.”
~Proverbs 16:9 (NKJV)